Beat Approach Anxiety
Todays article is a special Guest Post from my close friend Brad P.
After teaching men how to score for close to ten years now, and ruminating on the subject for decades, I’ve come to the conclusion that the most important key is this: Social Freedom. I use the term “social freedom” as in “the opposite of social anxiety.” Social anxiety is the most debilitating problem to people trying to succeed with women. It sabotages every part of your interaction from opening to escalation to retention to relationships.
Social anxiety rears it’s head in many ways. It’s that little voice in your head that says “Don’t do that, someone might laugh at you”….”if you do that you’ll totally blow it….”
There are so many times it goes through your mind. It makes you lose a little bit of focus here and there. It makes you a little less dominant, a little less funny, a little less attractive. You walk with your head a little lower, you talk a little quieter. It affects all the little things that matter so much.
Before I get really deep into it, let me tell you why I believe this and how I came to this conclusion.
I got good at banging lots of hot girls without the use of any seminars or eBooks.. I’m largely self taught. The only people that I did study under were naturals, and I worked with them long before I was teaching or writing blog posts. When I was learning I spent about 80% of my time going out alone, and the other 20% hanging with naturals. I’d learn a bunch of stuff from the naturals, then I’d take those lessons out on my own to work them in.
Once I started writing on the internet, lots of other “professional dating coaches” became friends of mine, so I’ve seen what they can do.
I’ve seen some amazing shit. I could tell you stories that would blow your mind. Eventually, I started looking for the commonalities between the naturals and the coaches, and they are kind of hard to find.
But there is one HUGE intangible that the coaches and the naturals have in common. Social freedom. They just simply don’t care that much about what the people around them think. They are going after what they want, and the possibility of being embarrassed doesn’t even enter their mind. They have far more social freedom than normal guys, and that’s why they bang 10x more hot chicks than a normal guy does.
Average guys have a million excuses and a million things to be nervous about.
What if she has a boyfriend?
What is she’s heard my line?
No, she’s not my type, I can’t talk to her.
What if she’s read Isabella Stone’s blog?
Her friend is looking at me funny…
yada yada yada, bitch bitch bitch…..
It’s all creative avoidance. If you have social anxiety, your brain will dream up ANY reason it can to prevent you from meeting women.
If you look around the internet, you will be floored by the sheer volume of techniques and strategies that are available. Thousands of great approach strategies, sexual techniques, confidence builders….there’s even fool proof plans out there to steal a 10 from her boyfriend! I’ve read that plan, and it sounded like the most brilliant devious shit I ever heard in my life. Simply amazing.
But there’s one problem….
While you may have access to all kinds of eBooks and seminars, your social anxiety will stop you from utilizing the information.
You social anxiety will stop you from having a porn star sex life, getting a threesome, making her squirt, or picking up a hottie at a bar.
If you have social anxiety, you cannot support these techniques. You just won’t have the intangibles to actually use them. How are you gonna do Isabella Stone’s Sexual Pioneer System if every girl you talk to already knows you’re shitting your pants? She sees right through everything you’re doing. Social anxiety reduces all our great techniques to useless text on a computer screen.
So the techniques get read, some people even put them into a database, and then they don’t get used in real life. The social anxiety is taking up so much of your brain that you can only remember a few drips and drabs of the techniques.
I think you’re starting to see the point of having social freedom, so let me explain more about what that really means.
Let’s say social freedom can be ranked on a scale of 1 to 180.
Zero means severe, debilitating social anxiety like agoraphobia. That’s a condition where you’re afraid to leave the house,so you just stay home for months or even years.
180 means super charged social freedom. No fear of social situations. Thriving in social situations.
Everyone has SOME social anxiety. I’d say “normal people” have lots of it actually. For some reason we just don’t seem to be built for dealing with new people on an every day basis. Maybe it’s a difference between the urban cultures we live in and the hunter gatherer cultures we evolved for, but let’s not get too far into all the evolutionary stuff here.
The point is that normal people have social anxiety. Your parents had it. Your teachers had it. All your friends probably had it. So let’s say a “normal” person is at 90 on the Social Freedom scale.
A professional dating coach or sex guru who can get laid at will probably has 130+. Gurus around 160. Top naturals would be close to 180. These are just estimates and just my opinion, but I’ve seen the best there is, so I think it’s fairly accurate.
If you have social anxiety, here’s how it affects your life, step by step:
Meeting women- obviously the more social anxiety you have, the more anxiety you will have when meeting women.
Convsersation- you will have trouble with social circles. you will look nervous. You will have a hard time applying the principles and strategies you’ve learned.
Escalation- You will be afraid to escalate sexually.
Attraction- You will seem nervous and get less attraction
Comfort- Girls will be less comfortable around you because you seem uncomfortable in general.
Relationships- this is a big one. There’s a funny thing I’ve noticed where really attractive women (9s and 10s) have LOW levels of social anxiety. Sure they have other insecurities, but they are NOT nervous in social situations. Everyone always has been nice to them, they never have to be embarrassed because doing something stupid is just considered “cute” and the whole world will bend over backwards to help them out if something goes wrong. I hang out with lots of these girls, and they really don’t worry much about what people think.
Just yesterday I was with this really hot girl at the beach and we were parking the car and a song she liked came on the radio. She accidentally started singing super loud at the top of her lungs just as the parking attendent was poking his head into the car. She was yelling right into his face for a second with here eyes closed for a few seconds before she realized what was going on. If it was me, I would’ve felt embarrassed. With this girl, not even the slightest HINT of embarrassment. This is common in hot girls. My point is this- if you have a high level of social anxiety, you cannot be in the same reality as her, and she knows it. So your chances of hanging on to a really hot girl are slim.
Retention- Same as relationships, but I’m talking about retaining fuck buddies. In order to keep fuck buddies, you need to have them convinced you are the coolest ever, all the time, 24/7 uber-cool. Then they feel they’re just lucky they get to hang out with you. Got social anxiety? Getting shook up easily? Then you don’t look so cool all the time. It only takes a few instances of looking nervous to kill the whole thing. Then she’s thinking “Nah, he’s not that great. I aint sticking around unless he’s gonna be my boyfriend. I’m not just gonna fuck this guy and not get the perks of a relationship out of it.” or maybe “this guy gets shook easily, I’m so glad he’s not my boyfriend, I’m gonna fuck him one more time then ditch him.”
The most obvious and relevant issue to most readers here is meeting women without anxiety.
Most dating coaches deal with anxiety as if it’s an isolated issue. People think “I have approach anxiety” as if it’s that simple. It’s not. Approach anxiety is actually just a symptom of a larger problem….you guessed it…..SOCIAL ANXIETY.
If you treat just your approach anxiety, you will still run into loads of problems. So you should be treating your overall social anxiety. Approach anxiety will be cured as a byproduct of fixing social anxiety.
There’s many ways to treat it.
The psychiatric and medical communities have their take on it- pills, therapy, etc.
The seduction community has it’s take- 1000 approaches.
and I have my take- A series of exercises done twice a week to quantify and reduce SA.
All these methods have their pluses and minuses. I think all 3 can work. I started looking for something else because I was not totally convinced by the “1000 approaches” strategy.
1. Takes too long. Some guys take years to get to 1000.
2. Lots of guys drop out before getting anywhere close to 1000.
3. No quantifiable evidence of improvement. You could be at 500 and still not know what’s helping and what’s redundant. No scale of AA. Nothing being measured. People are mistakenly assuming that other results, such as getting phone numbers or emails, are proof of reduced AA. There’s a correlation there, but no hard evidence.
4. Does anyone really count?? Not many people are seriously doing 1000 approaches to get rid of AA. People just say “Well I’ll keep approaching” and hope for the best. No counting. No quantifying. I’m not sure that many people are actually serious about 1000 approaches. Perhaps it’s too daunting of a suggestion to be taken seriously. Maybe people are just acting like they are serious about it because it is taboo to disagree with community doctrine.
5. Sounds like some kind of righteous buddha/sensei thing, so it kind of always rubbed me the wrong way.
student: I just paid $1800 for this bootcamp, how to do I beat AA?
coach: Go do 1000 approaches.
1000 approaches, does it work? Yes I think it does work for getting rid of AA. Lots of people have done it and benefited. I do think it’s too often touted as the “only way to beat AA.” It’s not attainable for everyone. It’s not necessary for everyone. Of the 5 naturals I’ve worked with, 2 of the 5 have done 1000 approaches.
No disrespect to the guys who came up with the idea of 1000 approaches back in the day. It’s a good bit of innovative thinking and it gets the job done.
If you would like to check out my Social Freedom Exercises, which can be done in under 45 minutes and will change your life forever, just click this link-